OCTAVE' -The Intervals in Life

If.....

2007-05-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

P.S.I think...It is one of the most inspiring poem ever written ...Brings a smile!

P.S.S. Thanks for the picture!

Oneness...

2007-04-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

I stood and watched . It was troubled , restless, like a helpless honest soul , beating against the hard rocks, angry large waves rising their heads , wanting to destroy every bit of it . I kept standing, staring at it blankly, and felt the oneness with the sea as if I understood what it felt, the emotions and the turmoil . It continued like this as hours went unnoticed as if both of us found solace in each other .........

Sun was shining , people were walking up and down the beach, I was still standing at the there observing the serenity , gentle waves caressing the rocks , a nostalgic salty breeze that whiffed through my hair as I looked at my feet and stared at the glistening water for a moment . Shells, pearls, beautiful stones all lay there, gifts from sea in all shapes and colors, a rare sight. I picked one and it gleamed as it rested on my palm and the rays of the sun fell on it , it was precious, I had seen nothing like this before, a hidden message. I could see those gifts clearly as calmness prevailed after the troubled times were over.

P.S. Inspired by an advice by a close friend..thanks!

Eyes...

2007-04-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

What is about those eyes ..that even after all the hurt and all that pain ..which ripped me apart and brought me down on the floor ... made me bend all my principles by whom I always swore....... and still wanting to scar me more ; made me melt away ..give them one more chance every time...in the want that things would change in favor of me one day ...

what is about those eyes.....that even after all the coldness and all that wrath ....which pushed me away and broke my fragile heart .....made me cry lonely tears in remorse and beg for mercy as if I never wanted anything more .........that still made me comfort them...dry all the tears they shed..... hiding from them all the ones I wept ...

what is about those eyes .....that I just cannot stop believing them ,living every moment by them ...I know it might not be the best path for me , it might end up at the place I never want to be ....but then I cannot over come the look of innocence in those eyes ....those sparkling beautiful lovely mysterious ohh! so lovely eyes...

Leaving on a Jet Plane....

2007-04-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

another day has dawned
another night has past
i am still here
i want to go home

another chance is lost
another crack is formed
i am still here
i just want to go home

ripples in the water have died down
silence is the only answer I hear
i am still here
i want to be at home

wondering where do we all come from
wondering where do we all go
i am still here
i want to go home

every coin has two sides , every cause has an effect
precaution is one thing but fear doesn't make sense
it doesn't matter
'coz i am still here
i need to be at home

who created these boundaries
who made those rules, these differences
why am I still here
when i should be at home

I was not allowed to board the plane from Seattle to India . I was going there after three years and was damn excited but not more than my family , of course! I had surfed all the sites and embassy sites and spoken with all customer relations people if I could transit through UK and no one said, I would have a problem at that point of time but when I go to the airport , I was told I cannot board the plane for not meeting the visa requirements. I stood there amazed for a moment and called home to tell them that I am not coming . I was not outraged for my trip being canceled but for the fact that no one can call themselves a world citizen anymore . I understand caution and I understand security but I don't understand how can a piece of paper be so powerful that it can dictate my existence and can bar me from being at home. How can this land be a foreign land or any land be a foreign land ? Did not we all start from Africa?Were we not a big huge mass of land at the beginning of life? People have explained me several times in my life but I really still don't understand boundaries, skin colors , superior and inferior, visas and passports, ....I totally understand the need of defense and security and to feel protected but I feel if you overdo it , not only you show that you are so very scared but you also motivate miscreants to drill holes in the security walls(like hackers! fun sake!) and I still see many loopholes. I think it might all change one day when all of us connect with our conscience and understand that birth, pain, joy,blood, death all are same for everyone, it is not different, it can never be ....or maybe world would never change ..it would remain as it is now or just get more insecure...but I will still refuse to understand and acknowledge...

PS: After two futile attempts to go home in past two months , one when I almost went home forever and the other when I wanted to at least go for a vacation.....I am going to make a third attempt on Friday the 13th...:))...my rant ends here ~\**/~

Sojourns..

2007-04-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a long journey. You donot even remember since when you have been walking continously on your own ; when did you leave the hands of your parents and were their on your two feet ready to take up "Life " ,perhaps never ,perhaps always!! .It is funny how things keep changing as you keep walking through the journey of "Life" .

As you walk on this road ; you meet people ,all of different kinds. You meet on crossorads and some of them start walking with you and you also allow them to be with you . Soon you start liking them.You share smiles, laughter ,tears ,anger ,frustration, disappointments, food ,water,coffee,chocolates ,sometimes even clothes . You are content and secured thinking that atleast you are not "alone" out there trying to reach some obscure destination; there is someone walking with you ; by your side . Suddenly walking further ahead you reach at this another crossroad ; where this other person wants to go left and you have to take the right . You are confused ; you are dazed ." What am I supposed to do ?" ; " I cannot come with you as my goal is in that direction"; " I cannot force you with me as I know your dreams lie in the other direction","Why don't we share common dreams?","You are perhaps not my first priority in Life but I really like to be with you","Is this what we call friendship or is this love or is it just addiction?". You realize there has always been this discussion since the inception of mankind but nobody knows the answer to it .Suddenly the world seems like a big swamp where there is no one who can save you from drowning , you feel sort of defeated by life .You sit for a while ; you think hard . Then suddenly you feel that emptiness ; that void , a swirl of emotions which sweep your feet off the ground . Yes , you are all alone again .It takes time for the feeling to sink in but you have to follow your dreams which are different from that person's . It is hard to "let go " but after a few lonely tears and bear hugs ,a promise to stay "friends forever "and a cheerful good bye and best of luck ; you start moving in the other direction ; hoping you would cross paths again sometime somewhere.

You walk but his time you can feel you are alone ; as if something is missing from your life .It had been a long time since you were alone. Perhaps you feel more lonely now then you felt, before meeting this other person . You shrugg your shoulders as you cannot take this anymore ...You have to live like this and there is no way out of it so you say say "No , I am too strong to feel lonely . What the heck?" . You are content and smiling again . You havenot overcome that loss but you have hidden it in the deepest darkest corner of your heart with all the other heart wrenching experiences you ever had in your life. Everything seems to be beautiful again atleast you pretend that way . Slowly you start liking it again . "Life is good " saying this you move on .
You reach another crossroad , you see somebody standing there ; a little confused as to where to go . You pass a smirk and you move on . You realize that person follows you from behind . You think to yourself ,"I don't like this person , I wont walk with him ,let that person do whatever he wants , after all he is just another person","I won't allow myself to get hurt again" . You brisk your walk . You turn back and see him smiling at you and you wonder what is wrong with him . You pray "Oh God , ask him to go in some other direction , I think I am not ready to make friends again" , "I don't want to get that strange lonely "in the whole wide world" feeling again".You are sipping your coffee and moving on . Suddenly thinking about all this you donot notice a pebble and accidentally trip . You see blood oozing out of your wound . A tear rolled down your cheek because of the pain . You are crying and suddenly you see a shadow on the ground . You look up to see the same person bending over you . He has a comforting glim in his eyes . You look up and wipe you tears to show you can take care of yourself and say " I am fine , Donot worry " . He insists and ties a bandage around your wound . You get into a conversation with him , thinking to yourself "No I will end it up here only and walk ahead " . You realize you cannot be bad to that person " After all he was nice to me ". Slowly you start admiring him because he is witty , he is caring , he shares his past life and common interets with you , and he has those comforting eyes yet he is too shy at times . You regain an elated joy but a sense of insecurity grips you , "what if there is a cross road just at the corner and he also walks away ","what if even though he stays on the same road but he doesnt feel for you the same way as you do for him "," If I show I care ,would I give him the power to hurt me". You try to refrain from talking to him yet you cannot resist . You think"perhaps it is just loneliness , perhaps it is just addiction" which may actually be the case too ,you donot know.

Suddenly you realize that you are standing on another crossroad again . Your worst fears have come true and now he is also going to leave you and go . You move your hand with a totally broken heart yet smiling in the face to say " Good Bye , will miss you a lot ", " we fought , we smiled shared every emotion through this long and diffcult journey and it is hard to forget you " . He holds your hand and you are about to sink into earth before he says " goodbye " but alas! he takes you in the same direction in which you were supposed to go; with him . You cannot believe yourself" How does he know I wanted to go in this direction", "Why is he also going in the same direction?" . He has adopted the same dreams as you have , perhaps it was mutual . Many people came and left you at crossroads , he was also supposed to but he didnot . You are happy and elated . Life has taken a new turn for you . Now you will never be lonely again while walking through the journey of "Life" you have found your permanent companion , the one who will always be there for you,whose dreams are the same as yours . You donot fear crossroads any more now!! Perhaps this is what people call "True Love" when you don't have to pretend to be good or nice ; you don't have to make any sacrifice ; you dont have to put any condition or be bounded by something ; you can just be YOURSELF. (May /2005)

Let Go...

2007-04-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

i don't want to cry
i don't want to laugh
i just intend to let go....and feel the energy , like a bird spreading its wings ,ready to fly far far away!

i don't want to love
i don't want to hate
i just intend to let go..and feel the calm, like a feather soaring high, high in the sky!

i don't want to judge
i don't want to believe
i just intend to let go...and feel the freedom, like the wind singing, making music on its way!

I never was aware of the art of letting go...until today ! I was alway scared , scared of getting hurt , scared of hurting some one , there was always this sword like thing hanging on my head....what would happen of my family?..how can my friend be more happier ?...why is she not smiling? I was living in question marks ..and I created new ones wherever I went..I was running from an awry past and hoped or wanted that future is nothing like the past....I was trying to catch hold of sand in my hand ....too much to ask! ...strangely though I realized just today that hope and fear are two sides of the same coins (An outcome of a good discussion!)..if you don't hope for something , you won't be afraid of losing it and vice versa...I know now that "letting go of WANTING something" is the key to making right decisions with a clear mind and living with no onus.So I want to let go of all that was and all that is there....

i don't want to hope
i don't want to fear
i just intend to let go...and feel the excitement,like the bond where everything is said , yet so much to say!

i don't want to know the future
i don't want to keep the past
i just intend to let go...and feel the comfort , like the tired nomad who found the way home, a place where he could stay!

Black Magic!!!

2007-03-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

It was all dark, "ouch!" I wreathed in pain as I hit the corner of some wooden object in that room. " Uh! are you okay?" asked my cousin. i nodded my head and the game of hide and seek was called off due to my untimely (sort of) injury .It was all dark , I could not see anything through this blindfold."it is pitch black" "I can't get through another minute without being able to see" were the constant thoughts in my mind as I reached to remove that "frustrating" blindfold. Black and frustrating ??Whoa ...that is new !!!at least for me ...as black is my favorite color......

switch!!

Summer nights , most beautiful and most romantic .....darkness, wind in your hair, moonlight , optimum temperatures, soft lighting, just perfect ...I never want a summer night to get over and neither do i want winter nights to get over when i am tucked in my bed...and oh ! i so love those night chats ..my best memories have time stamps of 3 or 4 am ..midnight snacks , movies, gossips, wines, secrets,pranks, escapes ..evil stuff!!fun stuff!!i love nights ..!!i love black..!! my wardrobe is dominated with black..it is just an instant attraction for black stuff ..tattoos, accessories, shoes , old B&W movies...i associate Black with mystery, the charm and the history ...as a friend once exclaimed"i feel confident in black " ..win !win! black is the color ...or not ! to be precise black is not a color but it is the absence of any ..right?

switch!!

I was surfing internet on a non work day and I stumbled across this video and i clicked on it . The video was about how people who are dark and have dark skin feel low about themselves . The kids in a school were asked to pick up a doll from the two lying in front of them. The kids all had dark skin. Every kid picked up the fair doll and when asked they all said " black doll is ugly and white is pretty" ..kids know all this !! whoa!! and we keep wondering even after all the education why is the world not changing ...dark skin bad ?? no ways!! dusky is gorgeous is what i feel...but sadly most people still like to discriminate..

switch!!

Her house was a few blocks from the bus stop. She was the only one getting down from that last bus . There was a lot of work at office and she did not want to spend money on the cab .Her brother was out of town or else she could have asked him to pick her up ....she was a little scared as the street lights were also out but she gathered her courage and paced towards her house .."It is just a two minute thing " " i will be at home soon" she was telling herself. and suddenly she froze in her tracks . she could hear another footsteps beside her . she was too scared to turn and see who it is . she could shout but she was not sure if anyone would hear her besides she was too scared to shout also , she started taking step by step and suddenly a hand groped her from back and before she could realize tried to snatch her purse ...her shout was shrill yet she did not let go of her purse .."swoosh!!" a sound and she fell to the floor . .............. she opened her eyes slowly , she was in a hospital with her family by her side. the thief had attacked her with a knife and she got a bug huge scar on her face ....she was sad and scared ...she was thinking that she could have been raped or murdered ...she would never go out in night ...darkness is dangerous... "Hmm!! I like nights ...they are so beautiful.....but this is not beautiful...this is ugly,horrifying"

switch!!

I was climbing the stairs step by step , the floor beneath my feet felt cold . I reached a dimly lit alley ...it was a bright sunny day outside but it was dark in here ..i could feel the dampness in the walls of this old building ...the laughters and noises seemed distant but grew sharper as i approached a dinghy room full of kids playing and my face lit up ...kids ! i love kids! they were all so cute and innocent and i stood there watching them ..loved their innocence...thinking how harsh can reality be at times ...how cruel events and nature can be ... ...i found the two minute blindfold frustrating but how would it be if i were blinded for life ....would I still be able to say black is my favorite color if my world is made up of just black.....these kids probably don't know that there are other colors or they have accepted the fact....one of it ...but when asked ..none of the kids said that black is their favorite color ...

switch!!

Black!...Strangeness!Mystery!....Future!History!....Best!Worst! ....Good!Bad!Ugly!.....Mystical!Simple! ....Joy!Sorrow!....it can represent all that and more .........the magic of black will never stop..you can hate it or love it but you cannot run away from it! ...Black!the absence of any color......!!

Ephemeral..!!

2007-03-30T15:03:00.001-07:00

The stars in the night sky ,so beautiful, so enchanting...but with the first ray of sun, the stars fade away ... Why don't stars stay ? Why do I have to wait for one more day ?

The fragrance in the garden,spring so wondrous, so alive...but on the the advent of rains , ..only the memory of green remains or the leaves which are left astray...
Why doesn't spring stay ? Why do I have to wait for a different day ?

Laughters never died,couldn't spend a minute without each other, we always had so much to say .....but on that crossroad ,...you chose a different way..
Why didn't you stay ? Why do I have to wait for a later day ?

Aren't most of the things so ephemeral in life??Especially the things which bring you joy. Friends bring me joy, Flowers bring me joy, Smiles bring me joy, Food brings me joy , Life brings me joy.....and yet nothing stays forever...like a cycle...there ..not there ...there ..not there ..!

There is this theory behind things not staying "forever" ..apart from the cliched "nothing is permanent but change" and most of us accepted it as it is . My grandmother or mother , someone whom I actually listen to, once told me that if I have to wear the same thing every day , eat the same food everyday, I would be bored of it or I would accept them as a part of my life...you know "routine mundane stuff" and won't give the "wonder how ..wonder why" look to them.Beach and mundane?? Snow capped mountains and mundane??

Hmmmmm... I think I agree with them . If I see that flowers don't wither away , I would not wait and be enchanted to see them in next spring, they won't be special, they would be routine.......it is the fun in meeting and parting that makes the next meeting so amazing ...if i see my friends 24X7 , I would have nothing to say to them....I would be happy to see them and I would be comfortable but I won't be thrilled or super excited or won't be yapping to glory...isn't it strange that pain and joy go hand in hand without pain there is no joy and without joy there is no pain.....or we are just too content.

I could not take my eyes off what I saw...the glow in the dark....the mystery around them...fireflies so bright so ethereal....and suddenly they vanish... they disappear....I wish they could but I know they can't stay ... I know they will be back some day......

I can't..I am sorry!

2007-03-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Baby: Mother! Can you hear me?
Mother :Yes!I can.Are you ok? Do you need something ?

Baby:You haven't eaten properly for days, I am hungry and I hate the liquid that you drink, It hurts me.
Baby:It is dark in here and I am a little scared also. You don't even talk to me.
Mother: Oh! I am not keeping very well so not able to eat properly.The liquid must be alcohol. I will try not to drink it but why are you scared?You are safe with me.

Baby: Do you love me ,Mother?
Mother: Uh!Why do you ask that ?

Baby: I feel that you are sad and tensed and I heard feeble voices that you don't want me in your life. Is that true ,Mother?
Mother: No,baby! I want you but .....

Baby: Mother, I heard your friend say that mothers are angels assigned by God to protect and take care of their babies and they love their babies unconditionally.
Mother: Yes,baby! That is true.

Baby: Then why are you abandoning me ? I am scared , Mother! Aren't you here to protect me ? Don't do this to me , please! It will hurt! I want to see the World outside of here. I want to see you , and be loved by you. I love you , Mother! Don't do this to me !
Mother(teary eyed): Baby! You don't understand ! I can't help it !I can't ..I am sorry! I have my own problems to deal with !Don't make it more difficult for me ! Please ,baby! Try to understand!

Baby: Sigh! Mother ! As you say ! You must be right !I know you know what is best for me!Just know that I love you ! but I am still scared.......

I know my mother would do anything to protect me and I am sure all other mothers in world would also do the same atleast for their own kids.I once held a baby girl who was two weeks old . Her left cheek had a big huge scar. I came to know that her parents threw her in a dumpster and she was in it for five whole days before she was rescued. The insects in the dumpster ate her left cheek. I still can't forget that scar.There are so many instances where parents just abandon their babies by throwing in rivers, dumpsters ,leaving them in parks or quiet places , hospitals etc. Not only that, there are increasing number of cases of abortion as well.Most of us call them mistakes and get rid of them. I don't have a stand whether it is right or wrong for a single mother to have an abortion as it is a situational and personal choice but an ant also feels the pain when it is killed so I am sure the little baby also feels it. I don't think so that half of the people even know how babies are aborted and they might reconsider after knowing it or ..not.

Abortion

Perhaps if society was probably less judgemental and more accepting of single mothers, maybe we can save atleast some of the lives if not all.I am not sure if I were in their shoes ,what would I do! Therefore , I wonder if motherhood is considered a blessing then why it turns into curse sometimes?Ghosts that chase you your entire life......

No Room for Mistakes...

2007-03-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

Wonder where hath gone those days
of green grass and sunny trails

Wonder where hath gone those days
of sandy shores and giant waves

Wonder where hath gone those days
of powdery snow and wooden sleighs

Wonder where hath gone those days
of blooming flowers and winter rains

Wonder where hath gone those days
of hugs, smiles and loving gaze

Wonder where hath gone those days
of forgiveness, empathy and praise

Wonder where hath gone those days
where there was always room for innocent mistakes......

PS: In memory of childhood...

Silence...

2007-03-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

I laughed loudly and hugged you as I hid the tears dwelling in my eyes ...I gave up everything I owned for your happiness ......but my soul cried inside... hoping that you would listen...hoping that you would see..that you would comfort it like old times !!..Do you also hear it cry ??
It was true then and it is true now ...no one can sell silence in the market of voices...so why am I silent ?

Every era.. Every age ..same old drama .. same old games.. same old you ..same old me..
We tread miles and miles looking for something unknown, obscure ..someone perfect ..and then I see you..
But when we find each other .. we lose someone ..someone very important ..I am not me anymore ..you are not you .. expectations are high ..and there is no room for mistakes....Do you also feel the same ??Do you feel the change too?? ..Do you also hear us gradually growing apart??..
It was true then and it is true now ...no one can sell silence in the market of voices.....so why am I still silent ?

Am I your reflection or you are my shadow?? ..I don't know who this stranger is inside my house with you ??..looks like me ...sounds like me ..smiles like me too.....but who is she ?? I don't know her ....she is not alive like me...she doesn't even feel the pain like me ..who is she ??It can not be me....Do you also hear me screaming for you, asking you to hold me??
It was true then and it is true now ...no one can sell silence in the market of voices.....so why am I still silent ?

As the dawning Sun lazily casts its rays on earth ...millions get up to a fresh day ...but I get up to the reality that you are no more next to me ..that you have gone forever...leaving nothing but a void..breaking all the promises that gave meaning to my life...and just like that... I slowly break into pieces..millions of tiny pieces which I can't collect ....Did you also hear me struggling for breath as you turned away??

Alas!.... no one could ever sell silence in the market of voices..so why did you never wonder.. "why was I different?" "why was I silent?" ??

PS: Dedicated to a very dear friend who is no more with me . I wish that you are in a happy place wherever you are .Love you lots.Will miss you.(05/13/82 - 03/12/07)

Eclipse..!

2007-02-27T11:19:00.000-08:00

Her face made me cry but I could not dry ;the tears that rolled down those eyes
She stood in front of me asking for a shelter but I loved her enough to let her suffer ..

She looked into my eyes and smiled but I turned away
Today it was hard to betray those feelings; I always had hidden somewhere..

She was all I ever wanted for me but I lay in the pool of blood wanting to live again ; wishing for that impossible dream that she might walk back in........

Fragile

2007-02-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

Fragile is this thought

that shines in my eyes

Fragile is this thread
that binds us without a twine

Fragile are those emotions
that can calm a storm

Fragile are those moments
that hold an entire lifelong

Fragile are those flowers
that bring pleasure even in heat

Fragile is my heart
that sings with every beat

Fragile are those fireflies
that light up the dark night skies

but most Fragile is my world
that holds my dreams and memories

Fate...(A song)

2007-02-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

Darker are the Nights
Shorter are the Days
Desperate for a ray of hope
Fumbling to find some way

Emptiness fills the heart
Feet have visible scars
In this city of stones
Wondering whether to stay

Kneeling down on knees
Hands folded to pray
I survived through everything
Hoping that luck would favor one day

Finally when the skies did reply
I realized it was not luck alone that had a say
It was the courage to take the scars and
The faith to kneel and pray!

PS: Thanks to my friend , G.S. , for the last paragraph!

Moments...

2007-02-22T11:49:00.000-08:00

Live the life a day at a time.
A moment at a time.
Time will not go faster even if you wanted it to and fill your mind with noise and distraction and daily things to do.
The past is the past, let it go.
The future is the future, let it come.
Waves gliding off you in a motion of coming and going.
Rising and falling.
Feel it.
Be it.

PS: Three cheers for the writer...

The Window

2007-02-20T19:28:00.000-08:00

The silence of the night was broken by the sweet music of the raindrops ....accompanied by the thunders ...I ran to pull the blinds off my window and observe one of nature's most enchanting phenomenon . the falling rain .. I started thinking ....hasn't everything in our lives become so overrated and mechanical..career , relationships , outlook ...instead of developing ..we have contracted our self into a small teeny tiny world of our own...we have become hedonists of some sorts ...and selfish to a great extent ...there were times in my life where I thought there is no way in hell would I be able to get through this life of mine without this person , without that thing ...but now here I am ..few years since... and I realize those things or people ...they just reside in memories ...I have everything I wanted ..or "perhaps" I wanted at this point of life .. yet I feel empty !..Suddenly I see this child on the road covering himself from a newspaper...he is happy , he loves rain ...his friends and he are having the time of their lives... in a state of bliss..Such pure enjoyemnt , such pure laughter ,nothing to worry about or perhaps there is but this momentary rain has washed all that away ....I kind of lose myself in that moment and suddenly I come back to my world, I rememebred I loved music ,used to get so excited to listen to songs, or dance , or paint.or write or rain,snow,fall..I do all those things now also but that excitement is not there ...nowadays my mind is always preoccupied with something ,I am always apprehensive and mistrusting about stuff..whatever maybe the reasons for such behavior but I cannot enjoy anything in its complete self anymore without worrying about the possible (bad) consquences..and suddenly it struck me why I feel so empty ..I realize that I have allowed myself to be sucked in by this crazy world.in some kind of rat race with no goal! ..and in an effort of trying to be one with this world ..I have lost myself! ...i have lost faith in goodness!..in joy! .... I put my wine glass down...the kids were still playing in the muddle of water ...

I was laughing and very happy ...I could feel that I am breathing and feeling...I never felt like this..one with myself like a child ..it is amazing how small things can make you soo happy...I was jumping in the muddle of water after so many years ...the cars were going past me like they always did ..with people rushing to get back to a safe place..but I was there ,getting wet , loving every second of it ...like I used to back in the childhood days ...I looked up to the window of my apartment ...still the same..! The rain changed to a drizzle ...and it was time to go home..I hugged the kids and came back to my building... As I was in the levator ,people stared at me but I just could not help smiling. I reached home ,dried a little and picked up the unfinished glass of wine to stand by the window again...I could listen to the song played in the backdrop ..and it brought a smile ..reminded me of a dear friend ...I realized nothing changed today.. ...same old rain..same old road...same old people...same old street lights..same old window of the same old apartment except me... I was feeling it ..I was feeling the change..I was feeling lighter ..as I realized that sometimes it is good to just let go ...just do something without overanalyzing...just to be innocent for a while ...just to commit some innocent mistakes...not necessarily always comply with world ,society ,people...and did I tell you ..the wine tastes reallyyyy good.... I lovvvve this song and the view from this window is just amazingggggg!!

Sounds of Music....!!!!

2007-02-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

Music , "The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous, unified, and evocative composition, as through melody, harmony, rhythm, and timbre. "

Well that was a very geeky definition of Music . For me Music is an emotional extravaganza . From the bluest of the moods to the most exhilarting ones ; music can define just any of your feelings in one song ,one composition ; that is all it takes for that tear to roll down your eyes or bring a smile that lights up your face !.

Sometimes I donot understand how somebody cannot like music ... it might be that they are just too caught up in their lives to give it a thought but then whether those people agree or not ; music is all around us .....somehow it is symbolic to life and everybody is a composer ;composing their own tunes of life(some like it jazzed up other like it subtle ....some might produce the most sad tunes for them or the ones that always make them feel like dancing but everybody creates their own music which belongs to nobody but them .)

I listen to music almost whenever I can (or sometimes even when I cannot ) . It keeps me alive !!. I have several memories attached to many of the songs( I am not advocating only good memories but bad ones too!!) . Every song has some story attached to it. (even those songs people call jarring or crap or noisy or filthy; there is something good about them ..atleast you might laugh listening to them if nothing at all!) . Most of the songs make me ponder how can people be so brilliant to create this magic which can stir my soul or make me tap my feet unknowingly ; give me the power to imagine the unimaginable ; take me to that fantasy world where I just dance and dance; acquaint me with those emotions I never knew existed somewhere within ; make me feel like breaking free from everything .. Music is strongly connected to the one feeling which holds the World --> LOVE (its presence, its absence, its exaggeration, its desire ...!!) some people LOVE money and they can listen to the music in the clattering of pennies (Ok ! Ok ! No PJs but how can we forget Uncle Scrooge??!! ))

Yo might notice that your friend mostly like your kind of music or at least they are not aver to your choice (Ok! everybody has a difference of opinion over choosing anything generally but I am saying mostly they would like your choice ) . Your choice of Music can actually define your personality to an extent ( for e.g. if you find something good in any kind of song and you like anything on the face of this earth ; then I can say that you have lot of facets to your personality , you can get along with anybody and you are a people's person; if you like hard or acidic rock kind of music , you are generally have high strung emotions ,usually an impatient person quite short tempered mostly, if you like the laid back kind if music then you yourself might be a passive person but maybe I get some "raised eyebrows" or"doubtful" expressions about this but! but! I have been able to say this only after a few year's of experience and observing only thousands of people and their music choices ; so other than noticing the eyes of a person , I also like to know what they think of music and their likes and dislikes and their interpretation of songs ...but then everybody has their own interpretations ...but then who cares ....

For me M is for Music and M is for that Magic which is weaved all around me whenever I listen to Music ............... (July/2005)

Wars or Peace!! Is it that difficult a choice to make ?!

2007-02-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

As you enter the gate , all you could hear is loud cries and sobs , it used to be a cheerful vibrant place , what happened to it suddenly ? As you move further , you see the most ghastly sight! Five bodies covered in whote shrouds surrounded by people. You overhear a person say " poor kid! he lost his whole family in one go . XYZ ( symbol for one countrymen!) are so cruel, they took away his everything . now how will the child survive." and automatically you shift your glance to that dumbfounded kid who looked as innocent as all the kid his age look but you can easily see his loss in his tearful eyes and you think "what was his fault again that this incurred on him?!". You learn later that due to the ongoing war , a bomb was acidentally dropped on he fields where his family was working by XYZ. These accidents had been happening pretty often in this area but oh well! " everything is fair in wars".

A man from this public gathered at the mourning house approaches the kid , takes him to one side and talks to him . You are curious and you follow them and what you overhear is the start of an epidemic . The child goes with the guy who leads a guerrilla kind of service who fight XYZ or say they say . He is already wanting an answer to his questions and to know who was responsible for his ill fate and the guerrillas brainwash him and fill him with hatred against all XYZ countrymen.

Switch the context !Few years( not too many but say 8 years or so!just imagine!) down the lane you are standing at the entrance of a well kept house at sub urban neighborhood of a city in XYZ . You enter the house and you have a dejavu. The cries are much louder this time . The eldest son of the family and only bread winner was killed in a bombblast in the building where his office was located on the 23rd floor .Many people had died in the blast . The youngest son came to know that ABC( another country men!) killed his brother and he was very frightened .He picked up his toy gun and said " if any of them come near me ! I would kill them!They killed my brother " . The next day the picture of the assasin was in all tabloids and you pick up the news paper and see .Your eyes are filled with tears as you could see predict this mishap long time back .It was the picture of the same kid whose family was destroyed by some XYZ few years back and by taking lives of these people in a city of XYZ , he thought his revenge was complete .

This is might not be the best described scene or situation as per you but all I would like to convey is that wars ,killings are chain reactions started by some power hungry people who have probably lost their conscious( remember nazis ! they used to torture people in the camps in the day and go back home in the evening to enjoy the family dinner , good wine without even feeling the slightest of remorse for the people they tortured!) Why can't we see all this ?!! Why don't we understand ?!! I have heard of species going extinct because some other powerful species killed them for whatever reasons! but I have never heard the case of species going extinct because they killed each other!!! Have you ?

There are usually winners of wars but are they actual winners . The winning side says " Ohh! We lost just 1000 men but we killed 5000 men of the enemy. 20,000 civilians were also killed in action.!!" I donot feel like saying bravo! because pain of losing and the hurt is the same on each side so how did anyone decide who is the winner???!!!. There is NONE!! Even those who survive th war and go back are not the same , they lose their peace of mind !! We need to understand it and perhaps we are just too self involved to do this till it happens to us !!. If something happens to my family because of some war fought for "no one knows " the reason , I would not be the same again , may even kill myself and for me it won't matter who wins or who loses. My world would be destroyed!!.

We say we are civilized and not animals but we follow animal instincts and I am not questioning that !. Everyone has the right to protect their territory so if some body stands on the border of your home with an army wanting to fight officially , you would fight! as I said " we never left being animals " All animals would like to protect their territory..right??!!( Hmm! so we absolutely follow the jungle rule but then how are we better than them??!!) . But say! if an evil minded person burnt the hand of your daughter , would you go and burn down his entore village ?? No! you would just punish that person!!!

As we go raging war agianst each other , killing innocent people daily, disturbing our environment , nature and everything good we have built in these past centuries , we just chose to over look some major things and how could we use the resources used to unecessarily fight each other to build a healtheir happier world. Don't we all want that ?? !! Why are we neglecting the kids who die every 30 second in Africa ??!! or the countries who majorly need food,water ,clothing ,or diseases like AIDS and CANCER spreading in our society!!! . Earth is the only planet till date which has signs of life and courtesy of a small fraction of humans( really! it is a very small fraction ! who commands wars , all of us just follow them blindly because either we don't have anything better to do! or we are just too lazy or scared to make the other choice!) , we would kill each other soon!! I would love to live more than 100 years but at the rate we are going , I don't see that happening ...sighzzzz!!! Please be Aware!!We are all educated and it is our duty to spread the right message , to be more empathetic!!

Voices in my Head!!

2007-02-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

Do you ever hear them?! Have you ever gotten up in the middle of night due to these random voices ?!Don't you absolutely HATE them at that time?! You so want to sleep but they do not allow you and either you tell them to SHUT UP! ( so that you can return to your dreams oh so ! sweet dreams )or say YEAH ! WHATEVER!( do you think that I even care for whatever you are saying?!!Gimme a break!!As if it is true?!!) .Most of us do not acknowledge them as if they are not coming from within. Say! live in denial??!!

So what are these voices ??

One could assume they are thoughts, fears,expressions,feelings,cravings ,desires or anything you do not want to acknowledge ,face or accept , or are in doubt about,or they are unfullfilled,unaccomplished............a.k.a the SUBCONSCIOUS! .Now , it maybe asked how to define a subconscious state of mind and I would just say that it is that part of the mind which we are not consciously fully aware of.(as if it cannot be figured out from the word "subconscious" it self!duh!!!) Well, all I mean to say is for e.g. Consciously we are going some where... say for a meeting at 10 am and we want to reach in time ,that is our goal, that is what we practically want to do so we are all focussed but in the way through the atrium, you see this amazing abstract painting(Ok!Ok! I love abstract so it has to be a abstract painting.period!) and you shake your shoulders and move on to go to the meeting.( What is the catch in that?!Such a bad example, I tell you!!) Now! you have always wanted to learn to paint and have a natural skill for it but due to all the responsibilities and work and practicalities, you never pursued this skill. You sit in the "not so exciting " meeting and brood over what you want to do and the flashes of all the paintings and moments associated with paintings come back to your mind and you hear voices in your head "Are you really doing what you want to ?! Why can't you just paint ?! You love it !Youknow you are good at ut ! You know it gives you a satisfaction! Not your current job!Why ?Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? " (You might go berserk if the subconcious asks more Whys?!) and sadly you dismiss them saying that I am too old to learn it , it will never get me anywhere , i can't lose this job.( Same old answers!SIGHZZ!!!) Now the painting example might be a bad pick as far as explaining the influence of Voices in the head goes but hey! you get only this one right now( I am deliberately keeping the broken relationship scenarios out of picture!). Voices in the head arise only when you force or are forced to do something in a certain way or behave in a certain manner against your will or conscience or wish or no control over the situation.

So are these voices your friends or enemies? Typically, if you ask people , most of them would say "voices???!!! what voices??!!we don't hear anything !!I am not a lunatic to hear them!!What crap??!! ". They typically hate these voices or are scared of them. An acquintance of mine got in the habit of taking sleeping pills everyday to shut these voices.People do all sorts of things, sometimes many of them even commit suicide, not the way to go but they do!Scary!Isn't it ?! Even I was one of them who used to constantly tell them to SHUT UP ! (Well! given that my voices are Evil, it was a better choice!! and I am not going into the discussion of what is evil and what is not , how do we decide?!etc!etc!) but as I gain more and more experiences from life , meet more and more people , loveliest to absolute jerks!, I have started believing that I should not shut these voices up or instincts or whatever you want to call them. I should acknowledge them, talk to them,listen to them,accept them!!!!. A professor of one of my friend's once said " What if your best friend thinks that maybe you are doing something you don't want to do and keeps telling you that ? Would you ask him/her to SHUT UP? Absolutely No!!"
So these voices are also like your best friend ,it is your inner voice and you should NEVER ignore them. They are troubling ,YES! but they are YOU! a part of YOU!You make incomplete decisions and suffer for longer if you donot acknowledge them! So talk to them!talk to yourself!love yourself!as you are the only one who knows what is BEST for you!

Disclaimer :Though I strongly recommend listening to these voices , I would also say that when we acknowledge these voices , I am not necessarily act upon them but we can argue or talk with these voices and come to the solution which is best for You.!I can guarantee the voices donot ever tell you to do bad things ( defined by society or you !), they are pure and innocent!
Always remember You are Your Best Friend and no one else! You can't lie or run from yourself ever and if you do you might need medical help later on .!! Wonder why psychotherapy business is thriving??!!